You left me to be found
Jennalin’s foster mother’s front door in Yulin, Guangxi. Photo courtesy of Jennalin.
By Jennalin (they/them)
Adoptee, 24
From Yulin, Guangxi; Living in the United States
I stare in the mirror trying to see your face. I feel like if I look hard enough, I’ll glean the information I want. What you look like. Where you are. If you saw my search videos and recognized your features on my face.
The idea of having biological family on the other side of the world has always felt abstract to me, but now I’ve been there and it’s tangible and real in my head. I saw where you left me, outside the orphanage gate. I met the woman from the pictures, the one who raised me for a year until I was adopted. I have a better understanding of what life might have looked like for you when you had to give me away.
I think my first trip to China since my adoption has expanded my world almost infinitely. For a long time I wanted to avoid the discomfort of uncertainty. Now I want to embrace it. I may never know what you look like or where you are, but I’m okay with that. I know that this is a part of who I am. Just know I’m looking at all the faces around me, trying to see your reflection in them.
The views expressed in blog posts reflect those of the authors and do not necessarily represent the shared views of Nanchang Project as a whole.
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