Beth: Chapter 8
Loud silence
Digital illustration
Jade van der Zalm (国玉灿)
Story by Xavier (they/them)
Adoptee, 27
Nanchang Project Volunteer
From Unknown, Jiangxi; Living in Lekwungen and WSANEC Territory, Victoria, B.C., Canada
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This story is deeply personal. It is a reflection of my journey—painful, messy, and sometimes raw, yet slightly fictionalized. All names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved with one exception: the titular character who is referred to by my original adoption name. I have chosen to share this story because I believe in the power of truth to heal and connect us and because I wish to illustrate the reality of growing up in a difficult adoptive home.You may encounter moments of grief, trauma, and abuse within these pages. For some, these moments may be difficult to read. Please know that I include trigger warnings where appropriate, and I encourage you to take care of yourself as you engage with this story– if you so choose.
While my experiences have shaped much of my life, this is also a story of survival, resilience, and the ongoing journey toward wholeness. It is meant to offer solidarity and hope to those who may feel isolated or broken in their experiences as adoptees.
You are not alone.
If you or someone you know needs support, please consider reaching out to a trusted friend, counselor, or helpline. I have included links below and will continue to with each chapter as they are released.
Thank you for reading and holding space for this story.
With gratitude,
Xavier Huang
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Beth: A Love Story
Chapter 8
Two years later, Beth stands next to the HuangPu River as dusk settles upon the 外滩 WaiTan. The city of Shanghai rises around her, millions of neon lights illuminating the sky overhead. This far from 中山路 ZhongShan Lu, the streets are quiet and absent of tourists or expats. Her only companions are the lapping of the river as it strikes the seawall and the wide starless sky. She was walking for hours but has now paused in the shadow of a building that buttresses the river. A balcony rises above her, and the glass doors are thrown open, allowing soft, sensual music to drift into the night. Silently, she watches the shadows of people dancing inside.
Slowly, bodies circle one another, swaying softly to the rhythm of the song. Something in her heart breaks at the sight of the people, pressed together, moving as one. She imagines that she is up there, dancing, enclosed in the embrace of a lover. But instead, she stands alone outside, a stranger to the elegance above.
The figures do not speak, do not pause to rest or admire the majesty of 上海 Shanghai at night. They dance as if caught in a dream where the only existence they know is the tapping of their feet and the arms that hold them. A feeling of yearning rises within her. She thinks she might shatter into a million pieces–fragments of who she is and who she wishes she could be. She watches the figures intensely, as if the force of her desire might transport her into their midst. The image is fleeting, tragically beautiful, and she holds her breath as she tries to capture the moment and commit it to memory. She thinks that she will remember this scene for the rest of her life.
Beth lives in Shanghai now. She has stopped using the name given to her by her adoptive parents and instead, everyone knows her as Yu. Life in Shanghai is everything she has ever hoped for, but the sadness inside of her is an old companion; her pain is never far away.
She has not seen Hwang-Woo in two years, yet she still finds herself searching for him in the crowd. Even if she were to meet him in such a foreign place, she would not know what to say. She wishes she could leave him in her past, allow him to slip through her fingers like water. But she still dreams of bumping into him, locking eyes across a crowded room, standing together in near silence. She wonders if he ever thinks of her this way, but suspects he is happy to forget. Some things do not fade.
Yu’s life is full of beautiful boys who tell her that they think she is the world. She has never felt wanted or desirable until now, yet the novelty does little to alter the habits of her youth. Last year, Yu nearly had a relationship with a boy from Paris who gifted her stuffed animals and items he told her reminded him of her. But the closeness was too painful for her, she could not bear the intimacy that formed between them. Her feelings of want still terrify her, and every happy moment with him was undercut by her mind screaming that to be close means to be hurt. Walk away, walk away, walk away. So, she did.
Despite the distance Yu tries to create between Beth and who she wants to be, she cannot seem to escape the cycle of destruction that follows. She thinks of the men she loves and the hate that always rises, forming a barrier between her and anything genuine. She thinks of the women she adores, and her ever present jealousy that they do not love her the way she loves them. Even in her happiest moments, Yu’s heart is broken.
Last night, Aya gazed at her as they sat drinking light, foamy beer. Yu was trying to explain her broken heart, but she could not hide her fears and the self-sabotage lurking beneath each word. They were sharing a cigarette, the smoke enveloping them in a bitter scent.
And Aya had said, “We cannot control when love happens,” and Yu’s desperate heart had hated the words, and cringed at the truth. For Aya, love is easy– she is surrounded by people who dance slowly with her in the dark; she offers love as if she has never known its scarcity. But Yu’s soul is bitter, and unable to respond. She had paid the bill and fled to the banks of the river until dawn.
Tonight, Yu wanders the streets of Shanghai on her own, trying to escape the thoughts that cloud her mind. She is shadowed by a legacy of anger, of silent grief. Her heart is a rebel, and it chases her from sleep until she finds herself pacing the streets all night.
Yu wishes that Shanghai was enough to heal her, but it is not.
To access licensed US mental health professionals who identify as adoptees and work with adoptees/adoptive families visit growbeyondwords.com/adoptee-therapist-directory.
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Loud silence
Digital illustration
Jade van der Zalm (国玉灿)Glowing with deep blues, purples, and teals, Loud silence captures a solitary figure seated before Shanghai’s illuminated skyline, her stillness sharply rendered against the blurred motion of the crowd around her. The digital composition’s contrast between vibrancy and shadow mirrors the chapter’s sense of beauty intertwined with quiet sorrow. Drawing from her own return to China, van der Zalm infuses the scene with lived emotion—translating the simultaneous familiarity and distance she felt into Yu(Beth)’s gaze. Through light, focus, and atmosphere, the work reflects a longing to belong in a place that dazzles even as it reminds her how far she stands from it.
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Jade van der Zalm (she/her) is an adoptee and digital illustrator from Zhanjiang 湛江/广东, currently based in the Netherlands. Van der Zalm loves color and illustrates picture books and does color design for animated short films. Storytelling is a big part of her thought process and she always tries to add a story to everything she creates. Connect with Jade on Instagram @yu.niq or online at jadevanderzalm.com.
Jade is the artist and illustrator of Book 1, Chapter 5; and Book 2, Chapter 8 of Beth. To learn more about Jade and the other artists of Beth, read about them here.
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Xavier (they/them) is an adoptee from Jiangxi who now lives on the unceded territory of the lək̓ʷəŋən and W̱SÁNEĆ nations (colonially known as Victoria, B.C., Canada). X is a prolific writer and enjoys creative non-fiction, fantasy, and fiction writing. Through their work they explore their identity as an adoptee, parse their lived experience, and explore what it means to be human. They joined the Nanchang Project in 2023 and cherish the community they have discovered amongst the volunteers and adoptee community generally.
The views expressed in blog posts reflect those of the authors and do not necessarily represent the shared views of The Nanchang Project as a whole.
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