Beth: Chapter 5
Just for a moment
Digital illustration
Jade van der Zalm (国玉灿)
By Xavier (they/them)
Adoptee, 27
Nanchang Project Volunteer
From Unknown, Jiangxi; Living in Lekwungen and WSANEC Territory, Victoria, B.C., Canada
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This story is deeply personal. It is a reflection of my journey—painful, messy, and sometimes raw, yet slightly fictionalized. All names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved with one exception: the titular character who is referred to by my original adoption name. I have chosen to share this story because I believe in the power of truth to heal and connect us and because I wish to illustrate the reality of growing up in a difficult adoptive home.
You may encounter moments of grief, trauma, and abuse within these pages. For some, these moments may be difficult to read. Please know that I include trigger warnings where appropriate, and I encourage you to take care of yourself as you engage with this story– if you so choose.
While my experiences have shaped much of my life, this is also a story of survival, resilience, and the ongoing journey toward wholeness. It is meant to offer solidarity and hope to those who may feel isolated or broken in their experiences as adoptees.
You are not alone.
If you or someone you know needs support, please consider reaching out to a trusted friend, counselor, or helpline. I have included links below and will continue to with each chapter as they are released.
Thank you for reading and holding space for this story.
With gratitude,
Xavier Huang -
Beth: A Love Story
Chapter 5
A fine mist soaks through Beth’s sweater as she stands outside with Hwang-Woo. Their heads are bent together, the space between them heavy with shared breath and unspoken words. Tension radiates from every muscle in her body as she leans closer to him, trying to capture his warmth despite the fear that keeps her from reaching out to touch him.
They are sharing his earphones as they listen to a new Korean ballad. A silky voice croons in a language Beth barely understands, but she lets herself imagine that the words and lyrics are natural to her. She wants to find belonging in the only Asian culture she has access to.
She is in the twelfth grade now, approaching graduation, and Beth’s relationship with Hwang-Woo has become strained. More and more often, Hwang-Woo looks at her with an expression of frustration and anger. He cannot stand Beth’s constant mood swings and confusing reactions, so he chooses to walk away; he no longer seeks her out the way he used to.
It is her fault, of course. Her insecurities force him into a torrent of constant push and pull. She is so afraid of being rejected that she rejects him in her words and actions, re-enacting the oscillating coldness and care that she has been beholden to her entire life.
Last year she told him that she kissed multiple boys at a party and Hwang-Woo replied by telling her, ‘I really hate you right now,’ before walking away. She was trying to make him jealous, trying to force some kind of action with a thinly veiled bid for attention. But all she accomplished was hurting them both.
Nothing has been the same since then. The carefree trust that once existed between them has crumbled to dust, and Beth is left scraping together handfuls of what was, trying to force them back into a shape that resembles the time from before.
Yet a bond forged by time is not so easily dissolved. Their connection is undeniable. The distance never seems to last, and like two planets caught in each other's orbit, they circle one another, destined to never meet while unable to fully pull away.
And in this moment, there is a tentative peace. Hwang-Woo starts the song again, filling Beth’s ears with the sound of harmonic notes. How many times can they listen to one song, using the excuse of music to prolong the connection that words so often destroy? Tomorrow she will start a fight again, but right now all she can hear is the gentle sha sha sha of rain, Taeyang’s voice begging his lover not to leave, and the heartbeat pounding in her chest.
To access licensed US mental health professionals who identify as adoptees and work with adoptees/adoptive families visit growbeyondwords.com/adoptee-therapist-directory.
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Just for a moment
Digital illustration
Jade van der Zalm (国玉灿)Rendered in soft light and muted tones, Just for a moment captures a quiet pause on a misted street. Two figures stand side by side, connected by shared headphones yet held slightly apart by posture and space. Diffused lighting, damp textures, and distant glows create a mood of gentle stillness, tinged with uncertainty. Jade van der Zalm’s composition balances intimacy and ambiguity, using atmospheric detail to explore connection in the midst of emotional fog.
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Jade van der Zalm (she/her) is an adoptee and digital illustrator from Zhanjiang 湛江/广东, currently based in the Netherlands. Van der Zalm loves color and illustrates picture books and does color design for animated short films. Storytelling is a big part of her thought process and she always tries to add a story to everything she creates. Connect with Jade on Instagram @yu.niq or online at jadevanderzalm.com.
Jade is the artist and illustrator of Book 1, Chapter 5; and Book 2, Chapter 8 of Beth. To learn more about Jade and the other artists of Beth, read about them here!
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Xavier (they/them) is an adoptee from Jiangxi who now lives on the unceded territory of the lək̓ʷəŋən and W̱SÁNEĆ nations (colonially known as Victoria, B.C., Canada). X is a prolific writer and enjoys creative non-fiction, fantasy, and fiction writing. Through their work they explore their identity as an adoptee, parse their lived experience, and explore what it means to be human. They joined the Nanchang Project in 2023 and cherish the community they have discovered amongst the volunteers and adoptee community generally.
The views expressed in blog posts reflect those of the authors and do not necessarily represent the shared views of The Nanchang Project as a whole.
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