Book Recommendations: By Adoptees and Parents
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Recommended by Katie
Adoptee216 pages
Nonfiction, psychology, mental health, family relationships, parenting
Originally published in 2015This is a nonfiction psychology book written by a clinical psychologist. It reads as a therapist talking to you and explaining the behaviors and dynamics of emotionally neglectful parents and solutions for dealing with their toxic behaviors.
For any adoptee who had a strained relationship with their parent(s) growing up, this book helped me immensely to understand and validate my childhood. Reading this book finally helped me to verbalize the injustice I felt from my adoptive parents’ treatment toward me. Many of the publicized negative stories around adoption tend to be at the extremes of abuse to make more of an impression about adoption trauma, however, emotional neglect is just as important an aspect of adoption trauma if not overlooked simply because we were not physically harmed. Being able to understand that emotional neglect from parents is still abuse and that adoptees who have suffered from this neglect do not owe gratitude toward their adoptive family simply for providing basic needs, I hope will be able to extend people’s perceptions of adoption trauma. I think this book would be helpful for any adoptee who feels anger, resentment, or grief about their relationship with their adoptive parent(s).
“Sadness is an expected response to loss, but Bowlby documented that anger is also common in response to separation (1979). This is understandable. Anger and even rage are adaptive reactions to feelings of abandonment, giving us energy to protest and change unhealthy emotional situations. In this light, Brenda's anger at her mother wasn't petty or irrational; it was her biological response to feelings of helplessness caused by her mother's emotional disregard. After all, feeling dismissed or unseen creates emotional separation. For Brenda it was as if her mother had repeatedly walked out on her.”
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Recommended by KC (she/her)
Adoptee, 24, Nanchang Project Volunteer253 pages
Autobiography, family relationships
Originally published in 2018Written by a Korean-American adoptee, “All You Can Ever Know” spoke to me the way no other book ever has. The book explores Nicole Chung’s childhood with her adoptive family, her search for her biological family, and how these both impact the family she is building for herself with her husband and child. While she meets new realities and personal challenges, she is profoundly honest and real without false dramatization.
When I read this book, I found myself underlining, highlighting, and writing in the margins things like “I have never heard someone put everything in my heart into words and have it be truly representative of my feelings.” I appreciated her willingness for nuance.
For any adoptee who is seeking acknowledgement of the nuance and “gray-ness” in searching for identity, biological family, or understanding. For any adoptive parent, to understand the often concealed, inner reality for adult adopted children.
“It was a legend formed and told and told again because my parents wanted me to believe that my birth family had loved me from the start; that my parents, in turn, were meant to adopt me; and that the story unfolded as it should have. This was the foundation on which they built our family. As I grew, I too staked my identity on it. The story, a lifeline cast when I was too young for deeper questions...”
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Recommended by Ali K.
Adoptee, 24542 pages
Fiction, historical fantasy
Originally published in 2022Robin Swift was brought to London from Canton to study at Oxford where he learns about institutional systems, power, friendship, revolution, and himself. This book explores revolutions, colonial resistance, and translation as power.
I found myself drawn to Robin and it is one of the first fiction depictions of an adoptee that I could connect to. After learning so much about the adoption system, how it functions and how it impacts our psychosocial development I was most intrigued by the argument between Robin and his adoptive father and Robin's "coming out of the fog" moment.
"He had become so good at holding two truths in his head at once. That he was an Englishman and not. That Professor Lovell was his father and not. That the Chinese were a stupid, backwards people, and that he was also one of them. That he hated Babel, and wanted to live forever in is embrace. He had danced for years on the razor's edge of these truths, had remained there as a means of survival, a way to cope, unable to accept either side fully because an unflinching examination of the truth was so frightening that the contradictions threatened to break him."
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Recommended by Katie Lauder (she/her)
Adoptee, 28, Nanchang Project Volunteer301 pages
Historical fiction, romance, family
Originally published in 2009Flipping perspectives between the 1980s and 1940s, this is a historical fiction story that follows a Chinese-American man who reflects on his childhood during World War 2 and his connection to a Japanese-American classmate who is the only other Asian person in his school. Truly a bittersweet and tender story about love, friendship, family, and being Asian during a violent time of anti-Asian sentiment that is poignantly relevant even today.
The author Jamie Ford is a 4th generation Chinese-American whose storytelling humanizes Chinese-American history in a way that history books and adoptive families cannot teach us Chinese adoptees. I found this story very impactful in helping me to develop my own sense of identity and connection to the Chinese-American community. I really empathized with the struggles the main character faces of reconciling being ethnically Chinese but raised in America in a majority white community.
“Everywhere he looked he saw American flags, in every shopwindow and hanging from every door. Yet many more shops had broken windows, and a few were boarded up completely. In front of them an orange public works lift truck blocked three parking spaces. A bearded man in the bucket was taking down the sign for Mikado Street and replacing it with one that read ‘Dearborn Street.
Henry remembered the button his father had given him and touched the torn fabric over his heart where it had been. He looked at Keiko, and for the first time all day, the first time all week, she looked afraid."
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Recommended by Jennifer Connor
Adoptive Parent32 pages
Picture books, realistic fiction, children
Originally published in 2000As an adoptive parent, I found this children’s book to be a wonderful way to convey the story of adopting a Chinese baby girl into a loving home and family. The book accurately describes every step of the journey in easy to understand language. The story is beautifully illustrated with artful and colorful drawings capturing the attention of both the reader and listener.
The book begins with the thoughts of a prospective adoptive mother contemplating the possibilities of adoption, searching for a child in need of a mother, and turning that dream into a reality. Each step of the adoption journey is recounted from the initial paperwork and official approval process progressing through the waiting period, the overseas travel and finally the excitement of meeting and bringing a beautiful baby girl home to America to create a new and loving family. It is a happy story filled with joy and promise.
For adoptive parents reading this story to their adoptive child, it is an affirmation of an extraordinary experience as each step in their own adoption process is remembered. For the adoptive child, the story communicates the beginnings of an understanding of how they came to be loved and found their new home and forever family. It is a happy story filled with joy and promise. I recommend that it be read frequently and with loving expression.
“Once upon a time in China there was a baby girl who lived in a big room with lots of other babies. The girls shared cribs with one another and became great friends. The girls had nannies to take care of them, but each was missing something -- a mother.”
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Recommended by Anonymous
224 pages
Nonfiction, history, biography, memoir
Originally published in 2010In “Message from an Unknown Chinese Mother,” Xinran shares the heartbreaking stories of Chinese mothers who were forced to abandon their daughters due to the One-Child Policy, cultural pressures, or economic hardship. Drawing from her own painful experiences, as well as the voices of other mothers and adoptive parents, Xinran presents a raw, emotional account of women who have lost their children, from the 'extra-birth guerrillas' evading government controls to the peasant mothers rejected by their families for not producing a male heir.
Through ten powerful chapters, Xinran gives a voice to these women, telling their tragic stories of abandonment, and of the profound love and sorrow they continue to carry. The book also sends a message to the thousands of Chinese girls adopted overseas, assuring them that their birth mothers still remember them with love and will never forget them. This poignant, deeply personal narrative sheds light on the enduring pain and hope of these mothers, offering an intimate look into the lives of women affected by China's policies and traditions.
“There is an emptiness that can never be filled, there is an ache felt by the broken-hearted birth mother, by the adoptive family in the West, and by the daughter who will spend the rest of her life in a dual embrace – because the life she lives is a product of great joy but also of great sorrow.”
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Recommended by Hannah (she/her)
Adoptee, 27, Nanchang Project Volunteer256 pages
Autobiography
Originally published in 2019This vignette-styled memoir is raw and beautiful, capturing the heartache of adoption, the longing, and the love. As an adoptee, there is a sense that our arms are outstretched, being pulled from each side in opposite directions. Jenny Heijun Wills writes this, in its perfect complexity - the in-betweenness of international and transracial adoption.
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Recommended by Laura H. (she/her)
Adoptee, 26366 Pages
Fiction, coming of age
Originally published in 2021I recommend the book “The Nature of Small Birds” by Susie Finkbeiner. It is about a woman, Mindy, who was adopted as a child from the Vietnam baby lift, an initiative to bring children to Western countries during the Vietnam war.
The premise of the book is Mindy’s interest in searching for her birth family however, the story only grazes this and is told from the perspective of her adopted family, namely her adopted mother, father and sister, during different times in her life. This IS NOT a story about getting closure finding her birth family, but the adjustment, challenges and acceptance she experiences from her adopted family.
For me, it was a story about love and family, and did make me tear up during the scenes regarding belonging and acceptance. Beautifully written, lovely characters and new perspectives to ponder and inspire.
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Recommended by KC (she/her)
Adoptee, 24, Nanchang Project Volunteer263 pages
History, nonfiction
Originally published in 2021Like its name, this book is not a deep, but a wide history of China. This book is easy to understand and quick to read. You won’t get lost in a maze of historical factoids, names, dates, locations, and everything else.
I found this book to be a good solution to wanting to know more about the history and politics of China without having to commit to a (several) thousand page deep dive into a country with a long, long history. This would be great for someone who is interested in diving into Chinese history more deeply, but needs a jumping off point.
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Recommended by Jennifer Connor
Adoptive ParentRecommended by KC (she/her)
Adoptee, 24, Nanchang Project Volunteer288 pages
Biography, autobiography, history
Originally published in 2000From Jennifer:
This book is highly recommended for its twofold purpose. First, the author shares her personal experience adopting a Chinese baby girl. Second, as a professional editor, she offers insightful commentary on the historical, political, and cultural forces shaping modern China, particularly those influencing foreign adoption.She explores the impact of China’s One-Child Policy, which aimed to reduce overpopulation but led to unintended consequences, including a preference for male heirs and the strain on elderly care. These cultural and political factors significantly altered China’s population dynamics. The book also examines the rise of orphanages, the surplus of baby girls, and the surge in foreign adoptions in the 1990s and early 2000s.
The author also delves into the surge of Chinese orphanages, where a disproportionate number of baby girls were abandoned, leading to an increase in international adoptions in the 1990s and early 2000s. She also discusses the “red thread” proverb, which symbolizes the belief that certain people are destined to meet, a sentiment often felt by adoptive parents of Chinese children.
From KC:
I’m often skeptical about books written from the perspective of adoptive parents because of their frequent over-simplification of adoption and one-sided point of view, which often promotes the idea that adoption can be nothing but a shining beacon of life and love, while discounting all of the nuanced feeling adoptees experience (love, trauma, guilt, displacement). Additionally, this book was written in 2000, which was the year I was born. That makes this book 24 years old.Despite all this, this is a book that I found informative, insightful, and somewhat affirming as an adoptee.
An adoptive parent herself, she recounts the process of adopting her daughter from China. She asks questions about her daughter’s past and wonders how it will influence her daughter’s future. In blissful, loving moments with her daughter, she also considers the heartbreak of her daughter’s first family. I was pleasantly surprised at how her ponderings felt affirming to me, an adoptive daughter. In reading these moments, I could only hope that other adoptive parents pondered as much as she, and that they were (24 years later) still equally moved by the gravity and complicated nature of transnational/transracial adoption.
In addition to sharing her personal story, she offers insight into the history, politics, and culture that shaped modern China and led to the implementation and consequences of the One Child Policy. This book contains research, interviews, and contributions from many people who have, in some capacity or another, had involvement with China’s international adoption.
My copy is heavily annotated, many of my notes asking how this book might be written differently today, expressing sisterhood and sadness for the vanished, wondering why my family can’t talk about adoptee trauma, and emphasizing in bold underline the points of the various contributors in this book. “The Lost Daughters of China” should be read by adoptees and parents alike.
“On that last night in China, the families we traveled with lined up the eighteen babies we were about to take home and attempted a group portrait... As I look at that photo now, I have tried to imagine the unpictured, the ghost children, the children left behind. Five more full couches would equal another hundred babies; one hundred couches, two thousand babies. It’s hard enough to stretch the imagination that far, envisioning all the faces. But hundreds of thousands of lost children? One million or more?”
Review updated [December 20th, 2024].
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Recommended by Anita Szatmary
120 pages
Nonfiction
Originally published in 2022For adoptees, the word ‘lucky’ gets thrown around a lot. They’re regularly told they’re lucky to not be in an orphanage, lucky to have been brought into a family, lucky to be adopted at all. Often they’re depicted in media as being broken, in need of saving and fixing. Then they’re expected to become the hero of their own journeys and overcome their origins.
Whatever Next? considers how these traditional narratives surrounding adoption have both dominated and damaged adoptive communities for many years, and what we should do to avoid these pitfalls.
Inspired by the conversations within their Whatever Next? community project, Jo, Addie and Hannah explore the key tropes that adoptees grapple with and how these conversations are evolving, with the goal of kickstarting new dialogues around the adoption experience more broadly, and showcase how beneficial shared discussion can be.
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Recommended by Anita Szatmary
208 pages
Nonfiction, biography
Originally published in 2023An adoption expert and transracial adoptee herself examines the unique perspectives and challenges these adoptees have as they navigate multiple cultures.
“Your parents are so amazing for adopting you! You should be grateful that you were adopted.”
Angela Tucker is a Black woman, adopted from foster care by white parents. She has heard this microaggression her entire life, usually from well-intentioned strangers who view her adoptive parents as noble saviors. She is grateful for many aspects of her life, but being transracially adopted involves layers of rejection, loss, and complexity that cannot be summed up so easily.
In “You Should Be Grateful,” Tucker centers the experiences of adoptees to share deeply personal stories, well-researched history, and engrossing anecdotes from mentorship sessions with adopted youth. These perspectives challenge the fairy-tale narrative of adoption, giving way to a fuller story that explores the impacts of racism, classism, family, love, and belonging.
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Recommended by Sarah Baker
288 pages
Fiction, contemporary, indigenous
Originally published in 2020An Indigenous woman adopted by white parents goes in search of her identity in this unforgettable debut novel about family, race, and history--"a celebration of our universal desire to love and be loved" (Imbolo Mbue, author of Behold the Dreamers)
This is the story of a woman in search of herself, in every sense. When we first meet Ruby, a Métis woman in her thirties, her life is spinning out of control. She's angling to sleep with her counselor while also rekindling an old relationship she knows will only bring more heartache. But as we soon learn, Ruby's story is far more complex than even she can imagine.
Given up for adoption as an infant, Ruby is raised by a white couple who understand little of her Indigenous heritage. This is the great mystery that hovers over Ruby's life--who her people are and how to reconcile what is missing. As the novel spans time and multiple points of view, we meet the people connected to Ruby: her birth parents and grandparents; her adoptive parents; the men and women Ruby has been romantically involved with; a beloved uncle; and Ruby's children. Taken together, these characters form a kaleidoscope of stories, giving Ruby’s life dignity and meaning. Probably Ruby is a dazzling novel about a bold, unapologetic woman taking control of her life and story, and marks the debut of a major new voice in Indigenous fiction.
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Recommended by Sarah Baker
336 pages
Fiction, contemporary
Originally published in 2022When Lily was eleven years old, her mother, Swee Hua, walked away from the family, never to be seen or heard from again. Now, as a new mother herself, Lily becomes obsessed with finding out what happened to Swee Hua. She recalls the spring of 1987, growing up in a small British Columbia mining town where there were only a handful of Asian families; Lily's previously stateless father wanted them to blend seamlessly into Canadian life, while her mother, alienated and isolated, longed to return to Brunei. Years later, still affected by Swee Hua's disappearance, Lily's family is nonetheless stubbornly silent to her questioning. But eventually, an old family friend provides a clue that sends Lily to Southeast Asia to find out the truth.
Winner of the Jim Wong-Chu Emerging Writers Award from the Asian Canadian Writers' Workshop, Dandelion is a beautifully written and affecting novel about motherhood, family secrets, migration, isolation, and mental illness. With clarity and care, it delves into the many ways we define home, identity, and above all, belonging.
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Recommended by Hannah (she/her)
Adoptee, 27, Nanchang Project Volunteer384 pages
Historical fiction
Originally published in 2017In a remote mountain village, Li-yan’s life revolves around the seasons and the farming of tea, following the traditions of her Akha people. But when a stranger arrives in a jeep, the first automobile the villagers have ever seen, Li-yan begins to question the customs that have shaped her life. After having a child out of wedlock, she defies tradition and abandons her baby at an orphanage, tucking a tea cake in the blanket to connect her daughter to their family’s legacy.
As Li-yan pursues an education and a new life in the city, her daughter, Haley, is adopted by a loving family in California. Though Haley grows up in privilege, she feels a deep curiosity about her roots. Meanwhile, Li-yan, haunted by the loss of her daughter, seeks solace in the tradition of Pu’er tea. Over time, both mother and daughter search for meaning, unknowingly connected by the legacy of tea and the hope of a reunion.
The views expressed in blog posts reflect those of the authors and do not necessarily represent the shared views of The Nanchang Project as a whole.
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