From one mom to another
Motherhood and guardianship in the international adoption community are layered and complex—crossing borders, languages, and lives, shaped by distance and the many ways love and loss can coexist. For many, Mother’s Day is not just a celebration, but a time of quiet reckoning—a moment to sit with what’s missing, what’s unknown, and what still matters deeply. In this space, questions live alongside gratitude, and every version of motherhood has a place.
From one mom to another,
I wonder if “mom” is how you would want me to address you; the translation being mā mā (妈妈) or if it would be more preferable to address you by your name or another title. Stemming from years of my own name being mispronounced, it has always been important for me to address people how they want. Some adoptees differentiate titles for parents as “birth parents” and “adoptive parents.” But that has never felt right for me as my mom is my mom. I never refer to my mom as my “adoptive mom.” I hope that doesn’t hurt you, and if it does, it’s not my intention. I have always been protective of mom who I typically call “mother.” I do want you to know that I deeply recognize your role in my life particularly before I was adopted, and I will always have great respect for that. There is a lot of my story I don’t know; the parts before I arrived at my orphanage. I assume you know those parts, and for now those parts still belong to you.
I am a new mom to an adorable six-week-old boy and am deep in the journey of motherhood. Of course, when my journey of motherhood started, I thought of you and what your journey was like. I found out I was pregnant in the summertime, and it was a surprise (a happy one). Was I a surprise for you? When I had prenatal doctor appointments, I often wondered if you had the opportunity when pregnant with me to see doctors and get reassurance that I was growing well and healthy. When I felt kicks, I sometimes wondered how you felt when I kicked you.
Pregnancy was not easy for me, and I had a complicated birth. I now wonder what my birth was like for you. Woman to woman, I empathize with the magnitude of the experience of growing life and giving birth. What you did was remarkable. You grew a healthy baby and gave birth to a healthy baby with that baby being me. I am so grateful for the gift you gave me of life. One day our paths may cross. I don’t assume that you want to meet me one day, but I do know that you have thought of me just like I have thought of you. I wonder if my son’s traits that I think look like me, also look like you. As a mom, a woman, and simply as a human, I hope you have peace. Peace in every part of your life. And if there was anything I could give you or tell you, it would be for you to know that I am okay. The girl you gave birth to is okay and, in many ways, more than okay. It feels very full circle in the part of my identity that is adoption, that I gave birth and became a mom.
It feels odd to end this letter and I don’t know how to sign off. So, I guess I’ll sign off the way I signed on.
From,
One mom to another
Adoptee, 30
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