Searching for my First Family
By Ming 白宜民 Foxweldon, (she/her)
Adoptee, 34 yrs old
From Kunming, Yunnan; Living in Seattle, WA
“Why are you searching for your birth family?”
Searching for one’s biological family is a deeply personal journey that cannot be fully replicated, even though some experiences may be similar. However, if you get to the deeper reasons behind why someone searches for their birth family you would be surprised what you will learn. Some Adoptees search to understand their roots. Others want to learn about their first family (birth family) and the life their family led before they came into the picture. Others might want to see if they have siblings. It’s a varied experience nonetheless.
Birth family searching for me has gone through many changes throughout the years as I’ve grown older. As a child I always longed to be back in China and fantasized about my Birth Family. I was limited in the way that I thought based on my understanding of China at the time, but it grew through learning about the Ethnic Minority Groups of China, learning Mandarin in various capacities, Chinese Culture, History, One Child Policy, foot binding, and even the Giant Panda.
I had limited information (likely fabricated by the Social Welfare Institute, government, and Adoptive Parents) about my adoption story. My early days being at the Kunming Children’s Social Welfare Institute (SWI) in Kunming, Yunnan China, are not very clear to me since I was adopted as a toddler.
If it were not for the luck of being connected with a few volunteers – a Dutch man from the Netherlands who moved to China in his early 20s and an American couple from an organization called Sunrise Foundation (now inactive) – and their knowledge of my experience living in China, I would not have known what life was like before being adopted. I can honestly say that while it was hard to hear some of the stories of my past it helped affirm some of the ways in which I coped before leaving China, as well as with my post-adoption experiences. It helped me to better understand myself, and become more aware of who I was versus who I am today. It’s a double edged sword because of the nature of my story and my grief for my younger self for enduring such painful experiences, which have affected me even now, as a grown adult.
I think the basis of my desire to search for my birth family was to prove to my Adoptive Family, my community, and the world that though my first few years of life were rough, I made it. I not only survived living in a very challenging environment in China having been institutionalized, but I can walk confidently, and my first family can know I made them proud.
So much of my life in the adoption bubble I was told that I was “lucky” to be “saved” and it really struck a chord with me, and not in the “rainbows and butterflies” type of way. I was constantly wrestling with survivor’s guilt due to the truths that were shared with me. Initially I was told by my Adoptive Parents that they were spiritually called to adopt (they were Christian (Episcopalian) at the time), and that I was meant to be in their lives. Their original plan to adopt from Thailand was complicated due to the bureaucratic “red tape” and therefore they chose to adopt from China instead. They were told it wouldn’t be as challenging, and that the trip included a 2-week tour in China, and processed my adoption. In addition they insinuated they had fertility issues which was another hurdle I didn’t expect to be confronted with. Overall it felt like a slap in the face to me.
It’s a hard feeling to confront that I was merely existing to complete my Adoptive Parents’ dreams, and that my history and trauma was something that could be “fixed” through therapy and intervention. I knew at an early age that I was a far more complicated person than any service could “fix.”
The truth about the Thai adoption not being processed put me in a compromising mental space that I did not anticipate would affect me the way that it did. This brings into question: Had I not been adopted, what would life have been like? I can only make inferences based on the limited information I have about life in China for individuals with conditions like mine, and what my Adoptive Parents projected. The narrative my Adoptive Parents served me forced me to feel alienated by them, which was part of the driving force to search for my first family. It did not help that once they did find out my interest to search they were none too pleased and assumed that I was trying to replace them should I be successful in locating my first family. The selfishness and insecurity my Adoptive Parents possessed caused me unnecessary distress during the process.
While I was given many opportunities to experience China in a variety of ways, I never felt some of the experiences were authentic. Reading books about China by white authors felt forced, and I sensed saviorism in their works. Whether it was direct or not, it was obvious my Adoptive Parents wanted to seem like they were very important people, and they basked in the attention the public gave them. (My first plane ride, my Adoptive Parents’ first time eating real Chinese food, their desire to connect with the government-assigned tour guide – I will elaborate on the tour guide later). It was overwhelming to be the witness to my own life as told by others.
My first trip to China through a study abroad program in 2011 helped launch me into my interest to search. The catalyst to search was inspired by my language learning, and also a need to connect to my roots directly. I was able to return to China in 2013, and even volunteered at my SWI. It was a surreal experience to return back to the place I considered home. Being able to meet my doctor who took care of me while I was there is an experience I won’t forget. In 2013 I was also able to visit the supposed county I was born in (part of my Chinese government name indicates that I was part of said county). In 2017, I traveled to other parts of China to assist with a birth family search for a dear contact of mine and be an au pair to her children. Throughout all these trips I was confronted by hard truths and personal growth. Being able to compare my experiences helped me see that I indeed could make not only my first family proud, but also myself.
During my study abroad trip to my home city, I was fortunate to have met so many wonderful people. I chose to search later in my trip, and while time wasn’t on my side, I took the opportunity and ran with it. I was able to connect with a business professor who I credit to my search launching the way that it did. Another professor I want to credit is one of my Chinese language professors who connected with me as a person of the past.
This language professor came into my life in the most miraculous of ways. I wasn’t doing so well in my language learning, and ended up moving to her course. She took an interest in me, and we connected well despite the language barrier. She shared that she had a best friend who was a tour guide for the government. I contemplated whether she knew about the tour guide my Adoptive Parents raved about, but I brushed off the possibility to ensure I wouldn’t be disappointed by the misjudgement of the story. However, through my conversation I quickly learned her best friend was the tour guide assigned to my case. I felt a mix of emotions upon this discovery, because all my life I had believed this tour guide was still in China. However, 25+ years later I learned he was actually living in the USA. In short, I was able to connect with him from 2011-2014 and he thanked me and my family for sponsoring him 25+ years ago to live “The American Dream.” While I can appreciate the opportunity my Adoptive Parents gave to the tour guide, it weighs on my heart that he couldn’t have been more involved with my life. If I had not been a “secret,” then maybe we would still be talking to this day. Unfortunately due to circumstances outside of my control I was never able to continue communication with him since 2014.
That dream to meet this tour guide who meant a lot to me and who I felt was like family to me, was crushed. I thank my professor for helping me connect with the tour guide, but with time, and changing technology I have sadly lost touch with her as well. I am hopeful I can reconnect in the future, but for now I have to accept things as is.
The small triumphs throughout my search – like learning something interesting about China of the time, trying new Chinese apps, or watching Chinese Shows – have allowed me to engage with China on my terms. While I can lament about the past in a variety of ways, I am appreciative of the people who I have entrusted, and the light they have shown to guide me to acknowledge my identity and lived experience, and learn being patient is something I cannot take for granted.
If I am granted the opportunity through my diligent research and cross paths with someone from my first family I will be forever grateful to hear their story (even if it’s painful), because maybe I can feel at home in a way I never imagined. I know in the end, I still have to make home for myself, and that’s through my chosen family, chosen friends, and chosen community.
My biggest advice to anyone who’s searching for family in China is that you are allowed to feel whatever you feel. Happiness, anger, sadness, etc. You are valid, regardless of where you are on the spectrum of birth family searching.
The views expressed in blog posts reflect those of the authors and do not necessarily represent the shared views of The Nanchang Project as a whole.
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